Protego Maxima

Setting up boundaries, establishing selves, releasing anger, exploring anonymity. Welcome!

Ungenerous feelings provoked by your blindness

I have an ungenerous feeling.

Sometimes friends of mine who are fairly privileged also encounter life crises. Yep, it happens. And of course I want to be there. These are friends, I care for them... but god damn it if it doesn't get under my skin when I hear about the crisis feel like... yeah? Life is tough sometimes?

Today my girlfriend sorta exemplified this point. I'm sick and she's been taking care of me. She said that she wished that taking care of her sick loved one counted as a sort of out of the ordinary, extra thing... As in, she wished it were the exception to be dealing with this. She wishes it were a nice little extra task to be carried out with love and tenderness. But as it is... it just feels like taking care of me was another piece of the onslaught of shit the world stacks against her.

See this is why I need an anonymous blog. I feel like a complete turd. I know that stacking people's privileges and oppressions against each other for the sake of it has never gotten anyone good places. And I'm not trying to do that. It's more... when people can't understand the experience of being fundamentally stressed out a lot of the time because of circumstances out of your control. That's fucking provocative.

Ok let's try an example...

Last winter I was visiting family with my girlfriend. We had dinner with my cousins who are definitely living the life we were all supposed to be living... heterosexually married, with a kid or a kid on the way, a respectable job in marketing.... There was a lull in the conversation and my cousin asked me, 'So... what do you do for fun?'. It was so weird... I had told her all about the community organizing and politics stuff I do. The writing and painting too. But... it didn't fit into the format of a hobby that she had in mind. Luckily my girlfriend had the same reaction. It's not that we don't have fun. Jesus, no. But this whole idea of having an identity around which fun thing you do... that just isn't something I have access to.

Ok I don't feel like there's coherence here but it's my blog my rules.


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